Oh Dear.

Oh dear. I'm sorry I've neglected you, blogsphere. I'll start where I left off. The weekend.
Last weekend, I was was really dumb. My old habits got the best of me and my portions were out of control. It started Friday with my kids coming home from camp. We decided to order pizza to celebrate. My darling husband decided I had earned a large, very cheesy, pepperoni roll too. I, of course, agreed. This was not going well. After dinner we decided to relax together and watch a movie. At which point my kids thought ice cream sounded like a good idea. I indulged. Then, Saturday rolled around. I was doing okay, until dinner time came and went. We had a very crazy day and our plans got derailed by stress. So, when hungry kids came calling, junky fast food came answering. And I enjoyed it. Sunday was shaping up to be another day of bad eating, but at church our pastor raised some really good points. While he was not talking directly about the dangers of bad eating habits, much of what he said applied. The thing that most spoke to me was this:

The problem doesn't go away. You need to control the way you react. 

Truth.

It hadn't even been a week and I was already losing control of my reactions.

Everybody wants to change, but nobody wants to change positions. Get a grip.

Yes!

I wanted to change, but when changing positions got hard, I quit.

So, I didn't bother with numbers on Monday. I knew not much had changed. I could feel it. However, I got my act together with what I was eating and how much. I decided to weigh myself Wednesday.

Down 5 lbs!

I felt a renewed sense of purpose. A new determination.
So far, I've been doing good. Now that all the kids are home (and I have a new group of opinions to factor in) my eating hasn't been as strict. I've been focusing more on portions. I'm also finding my joy in this. Another gem from Sunday:

Circumstances will not cause you to be joyful. Joy comes when you get control of your reactions.

So, I'm getting in control. Watch out world!

Keeping up with the Joneses...

Why do we do this to ourselves? Changing my bad habits should be motivated by nothing more than wanting to be healthy, right? Good health should absolutely be enough! But it's not. I try to convince myself it is. When I'm still wanting more food after dinner, I whisper to myself "It's not healthy". But secretly, in the back of my mind, I'm saying "You'll never get to wear those adorable mint capri's if you don't lose weight. They only come in skinny girl sizes. So cut it out." Isn't that awful?! I've talked to several friends, and it seems like we all fight this. We all want to keep up with someone else. I want to be as thin as Jane, who wants to be as thin as Susie, who wants to fit into her daughter's PJ's like Bethany Frankel! WHY? 

I wish I had an answer. I'm sure there's a book out there, several probably, that could tell me why I want to be like the skinny girl. And why she want's to be even skinnier. I read the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst several years ago. (You can find it here.) It was a great book. Very helpful in understanding why we crave food, how we were set up to crave God, but instead we fill up with chocolate. But I don't remember her talking about comparing. About fighting with ourselves because we want to be like someone else. Maybe I missed it. I'll admit, I only skimmed the last few chapters. Perhaps I'll reread.

A dear friend reminded me yesterday that "comparing ourselves to others steals our joy". She was right. It really sucks the life right out of you. It makes it impossible to be content. I'm not saying we should all give up and be happy weighing 300lbs. But I should be content in my journey. This is my path, no one else's. The dictionary lists happy, cheerful, and even fulfilled as synonyms for content. My mind is made up. I will fight that little voice and be cheerful. I will be fulfilled even when my plate looks like this: 

(Please, don't be jealous of my photography skills. It's a gift.)

The Purge and an Apology

First, the apology. 

I said I would write about my cupboard cleaning yesterday, and I did not. I'm sorry. :(  I went to Idlewild with my middle daughter, a friend, and my friend's daughter. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Amanda! No! You'll be so tempted!" And you are right. The day started off good. A 300 calorie breakfast sandwich. Yes! Lunch was tasty tuna salad on whole wheat, with fresh strawberries on the side. I even resisted my urges to indulge in a homemade cookie, brought by my friend. Success! Then it happened. After being at the park for about 5 hours, I smelled it. Fresh cut fries. Ohhhhhh, they smelled so good!

I gave in.

They were awesome. But it didn't take long for my belly to start aching. It seemed like my body was going crazy. Like my digestive tract was screaming, "Make up your mind!! Are we cleaning house, or what?!". 

We are.

It just may take a while.

The Purge

I did it. It was hard! I'd like to think that this was/will be the hardest part of the journey. But I know it won't. I started with the upstairs fridge, freezer, and cupboards. 

This is what I found:

Yes. I really did have that much ice cream in my freezer. 

 

This is what was downstairs, in our pantry:

*sigh*

We eat a lot of pasta.

After getting rid of this junk. I went to the store. 

These are some of the things I picked up:

I got some fresh fruits and veggies, yogurt (for smoothies), a better butter substitute, and fish. There are a lot of options when it comes to eating fish. It can easily become overwhelming. I chose swai because we have had it before and I find it more filling than some of the other choices. It is thicker and has a nice flavor that isn't too fishy. We had it for dinner Monday. My hubby put a light coat of the earth balance butter, sprinkled it with Mrs. Dash Original salt free seasoning, and baked it in foil. It was delicious!! We enjoyed it with baked potatoes (also with a small amount of the earth balance) and a small can of peas and carrots. Delicious, filling, and HEALTHY!

There are a few other things that I got, that I didn't picture. I got some quinoa to try with black beans and feta cheese. I picked up a container of fresh strawberries that barely lasted a whole day! And of course, a truck load of eggs.

We went to a local farm and purchased some fresh meat, too. 

I also picked up a few new tools:

I ain't to proud to measure!

Portion control is a big issue for me. I need to teach my body what it SHOULD live on. So, for now, I'm measuring and weighing. They're nothing fancy, but they are very important tools. Until I get a better grasp on what I need to eat, not what I want to eat, these are my new besties!

Do you have any 'go to' healthy foods? Or any tips to help you maintain correct portions?

Please share in the comments! (I hoped I fixed the problem)

The Weigh and the Why

Unlike many other blogs about weight loss journeys, I will not write some long post, detailing my emotions about my weight, leaving the actual numbers at the end. I've always preferred doing things backwards. So, here it is. The scale at 7:30 this morning.

That can't be right. I zeroed out the scale and tried again...

ouch.

I mean, cut me some slack. I just had a baby... 17 months ago. I guess this brings us to the 'why'. Some of you may look at that number and think it's unimaginably high. To some of you, it may be low, even a goal. It's the highest I've seen the scale, other than at the end of my last pregnancy. I don't like it. I feel a lot like I do at the end of a pregnancy. I'm tired, lethargic, moody, all around miserable! It's not as tolerable when you're not growing a human. It's actually, pretty frustrating.

For the first time this summer I had to purchase clothes in the 'plus' size section. I went to Target a few weeks ago, I pulled my trusty size 16 from the rack (Sidebar: I've been a size 16 for years. Sometimes it's tight, sometimes baggy, but I always squeaked by on the big end of normal), and went into the dressing room. I wanted to make sure the shorts that were on sale were an appropriate length for a now 30 year old. They.didn't.button. The pockets pulled across my hips creating little ears. That brand must run small. I grabbed 2 more size 16's in 2 other styles/brands. Same problem. Teary eyed I reached for a size 18 from the "woman's" section. (Thank you Target, for trying not to make me feel fat by calling it the woman's section) They fit. I was barely comfortable wearing a size 18 in the stinking big girl clothes. COME'ON! Really?? Several friends and I agree that after a woman turns 30, there are a lot more tears. The drive home from Target had tears. 

I've struggled with weight for as long as I can remember. I've always been the 'chubby' friend. Even when I was thin (for a very brief time), I wasn't healthy. I've always been inclined to reach for the chips instead of the grapes. And being pregnant so often allowed me the excuse to eat 'whatever baby wanted'. I've always made bad decisions regarding food, and it's catching up to me. 

I really don't want my kids to follow my example. In every other aspect of our lives, my kids have it better than I did. Not that I had a terrible upbringing. I just make it a point, a goal, to provide the absolute best in everything else. Why is food so different? Don't misunderstand, I'm providing my children great meals. We have delicious beef tips and gravy, a huge meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes, my mac and cheese (that includes an entire stick of butter, 4 cups of shredded cheese, and a truckload of other crap). We eat good, but we don't eat well. That is going to change, starting today.

Come back tomorrow to see how The Purge went and check out what I'm filling my fridge with now!

I must be crazy.

I truly must be. Crazy, that is. I've decided to diet. No, not diet... change. I'm a momma of 5 little ones. My oldest is 10, and the youngest member of our broad is 16 months. I'm tired. But I can't help but think that has something to do with my weight. I can't keep going at this pace, so change, I must. I've decided to start tomorrow, July 14th. 

I will begin with the Purge. No, not the terrifying Ethan Hawk movie. I will *gulp* clean out all the good stuff. I'm not excited. I love my secret stash of M&M's. I truly relish every moment I indulge in ice cream after the littles go to sleep. This will not be pretty. I'm almost positive there will be tears, but I will do it.

I quickly become overwhelmed by all the advice on "healthy" eating. SOOO many different ideas, diets, lifestyles. I believe I mentioned I'm a momma of 5. That means I'm feeding 7, if I'm doing my math correctly. Most days, I'm sure we are feeding at least 10. It certainly seems that way, when, on Friday we're out of groceries, after I just went shopping Monday. Perhaps, I should count the oldest boy (9 years old) as two. The point is, there's no money in our food budget for "Slim Fast" shakes or "Nutrisystem" meals. Organic? Does that come in a can for $0.89? 

This is going to be hard.

The most helpful thing I saw was a nifty chart in Pinterest. (Oh, God. Is she one of THOSE moms? Yes. Yes, I am.)

 

So, to start, I'm going to add my fruits and veggies. I went to the grocery store tonight and purchased a ton of fresh fruits and veggies. I got a few faithfuls, like bananas and carrots, and a few new faces like asparagus and blueberries. We'll see who sticks around.

Now, for the fun stuff: 

I will weigh myself in the morning and then every Monday morning after that. I plan to write when the mood strikes or when I'm having a tough day. Check back often to see new posts!

And, lastly, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not a nutritionist, I'm not a blogger, and I'm just a little crazy. So, God only knows how this will go...

WISH ME LUCK!